


this room.

by sharknado



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Hospitalization, Kawoshin - Freeform, death cw, delusions cw, self harm tw, talks about the piano scene, why do I do this to myself?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-20 23:03:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3668484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharknado/pseuds/sharknado
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it was here, he spent every day of his life for years. in this very room. and he didn't remember any of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. meds

The sun shone through the open windows, and despite the warm rays, the white floor was cold. His fingers drummed along it while he sat down, waiting for the other. He hummed a familiar tune, one that they had played on the piano so long ago. Shinji smiled to himself, closing his eyes and waiting still. The piano a few feet away was beckoning him, but he thought it wrong to start without Kaworu. After all, they were going to play another duet today. The last they had played together was a fast song, though the last time they talked, Kaworu said they’d play a slower, sweeter song. Perhaps he caught the lack of confidence Shinji had in his own playing abilities. He looked down at his tape player and put one of his earbuds in, pressing play. It was a tape of the song that they had played together last time. He could hear Kaworu laughing very quietly at the end of the song, telling Shinji he had done a good job playing.  
It was then that he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to look and see a familiar, smiling face, those beautiful red eyes….though it is not what he saw. It was a woman in scrubs, an ugly, bland, powder blue cloaking her and thoroughly confusing him.  
“Shinji, how are you feeling today?” The woman asks, smiling softly.  
It is a strange, menacing smile, Shinji thought, one of pity, one that he’s seen far too many times. Why can’t he get a real, genuine smile from anyone anymore? There was only one person who could ever give him one, and…wait. Where was Kaworu? Shinji shakes his head, standing up and taking a few steps back. Kaworu said he’d be here. He promised. He said—  
“Where’s Kaworu? He p-promised-“  
The nurse’s eyes looked….disappointed.  
“Honey, he’s not here. I’m sorry.”  
Shinji shook his head again, tears threatening to spill over onto his cheeks.  
“N-No, you don’t understand, he promised he’d be here. He promised, we were gonna play the piano today he said he had a new duet for me to learn he promised-“  
He backed up into the wall, balling his hands into fists, shaking violently as the nurse protested his claims of Kaworu Nagisa promising to meet him.  
“Shinji, he’s not here anymore. I’m very sorry, “ she said, acting with almost no patience.  
Sorry? Not here anymore? Shinji knew the meaning of the words, he just….couldn’t put them together. He looked at his own hands. A white, plastic wristband around his right wrist was uncomfortably tight. He began pulling at it when the woman told him to stop. He looked at her, panicked. What…was this…?  
His arms were scratched, scarred and cut; his fingers were bandaged, nails bitten bloody. Shinji looked at the woman with wide, terrified, blue eyes.  
“What’s going on?” He asked, holding onto the plastic bracelet and tugging at it. “I-I need to go, Kaworu is waiting for me he’s here-“  
The woman mumbled something under her breath—whatever kind of nurse she was, she was bad at it, Shinji thought. She wasn’t explaining anything, just standing there, looking at him as if he was supposed to-  
“Do you remember, Shinji?”  
A silent minute passed and soon Shinji was in hysterics, the memories all coming back in a rush, as if the floodgates were opened. Putting his hand up against what wasn’t there as he saw Kaworu smiling so sweetly, promising to meet him again, his eyes closed, accepting his fate, Shinji banged against the field and screamed and cried and his heart pounded because no he can’t lose Kaworu he can’t lose him he can’t lose the one person who ever gave a fuck he can’t lose him he loved him he said he did he said he’d protect him he was there for him where are you Kaworu please come home please come home please this is a sick joke you’re not dead but I watched it happen we were supposed to be happy why didn’t you live why did you die and not me you were a beautiful person all I did was kill people all I did was be a burden and you lightened mine I am so sorry Kaworu please-  
“Shinji, I’m sorry,” she said, in a more hushed tone. “He’s not here.”  
Shinji stopped talking and screaming, and the room was silent.  
“How long,” he asked, looking up, realizing why his arms were cut up and scarred in the first place. “How long has it been…?”  
The nurse walked to him, putting pills in his hand and giving him a cup of water, pulling her little cart with various medications and a computer behind.  
“Three years,” she said, emotionlessly. “Take your medication. I’ll be back at eight.”  
“Three years-“ he looked at her, blinking. He looked around, and came back down to earth.  
He had been prisoner in this room for three years. Shinji now remembered the days. Long, sad days of trying to cope, but now….now it was delusions and anger and just self loathing. He accepted and took the medication, swallowing his pills and lifting his tongue as the woman usually asked, to make sure he wasn’t smuggling them to OD later. 

He’d thought about it before.

 

After the woman left (Shinji didn’t like that one. He remembered the one that reminded him of Rei…she was nice) Shinji slumped down onto the piano bench and stared at the keys. Was this even the same one..? The same piano that they had dueted on so long ago? He sighed, hoping it was. He placed his fingers where Kaworu’s once rested, on the keys.


	2. tick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter for short thoughts

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

            Shinji stared at the second hand of the clock blankly, his heartbeat keeping time with the seconds. Minutes passed. His breaths were deep and shaky, he tried to bite at the skin on his bandaged up fingers. This noise. The sound of the ticking clock was going to drive him out of his mind. He stood up and looked around again at the room. His room was a rather large one, compared to the other patients. Perhaps it was because of who his father was. There was no television or computer, no link to the outside world. Was it too bad out there? Was everyone dying? It was all his fault, anyway, he should have just listened. Listened to Misato. Listened to Asuka. Listened to his father.  
Shinji stood up and walked over to the bed (it wasn’t his bed. He never had a bed he felt that was his own; he always felt like he wasn’t at home, even in his own house). He sat down and took the tape player from his side table. What year was it…? Some year around 2020…? He always turned down the opportunity to get a new device to listen to his music on. The tapes reminded him of better times. He thought to himself, how funny that the times of piloting were considered “better” times. There were moments back then when he wanted to kill himself. It was when he began harming himself more, it was the downfall of what little self-esteem he had left. He was now a tool, an item to be used. What was the point anymore? He was used and just….nothing. Used again and again. Recycled like garbage, eventually to be worn down to the point of being useless, only to be thrown out and forgotten, incinerated in the depths of his mind.

 

           Wow, Shinji thought. I overthink things too much.

 

          He put the white earbuds into his ears and pressed play. There it was, that voice again. Kaworu’s gentle voice instructing him where to put his hands, how to press the keys.

 

  
        On the tape, Shinji hummed and asked, “Like that?” and “S-So, here…?” and when he would get the beginning note, Kaworu would smile (he could remember how brilliant it was), and hell, if he couldn’t hear that grin in his voice.

 

        He finally understood why Kaworu asked him to record the times they played together. He somehow knew that this would happen. He knew he was going to die, he knew that he would be killed he knew that he was going to die for me oh god he knew he knew I was going to kill him I didn’t want this I swear im sorry im sor ry I m a murderer im useless pleas e just kil l me ins t ea d

 

        Kaworu had some sort of idea of the future and he wanted Shinji to have a piece of him, right? Shinji closed his eyes and put his hand on the tape player, as if it was some kind of link to the angelic voice that laughed and comforted him.

 

         After a while, he drifted off to sleep, only to be woken again.

 

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

 

          “Shinji,” called a familiar voice. The nurse. “Shinji, everyone’s going to meet in the front room, okay? We’re going to have group-“

  
          “Okay,” Shinji stood up obediently.

       

          He walked to the door and walking past him was yet another familiar face.

  
          Pale blue hair, porcelain skin and eyes like rubies.

          Rei.

         And all he could hear was the ticking of the clock.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

**Author's Note:**

> should i continue this?


End file.
